PMS: Where the f*ck did it come from?!?!

And how do I get rid of it?

Backstory:  I was on hormonal birth control from the time I was 17 up until Hubby and I decided to start trying to have a baby.  That’s a lotta years.  I went on it for my migraines.  Seriously.  I had/have menstrual migraines and the pill helped me time them to be convenient for my life (meaning, weekends, so I could go to school/classes/etc).  And it worked.  (Apparently, it also worked on acne I didn’t know I had/have…bonus side effect that I learned about once I went off the pill.)

So I always knew when “it” was coming.  But “it” wasn’t so bad.  I didn’t have any of the other commonly complained about symptoms and my migraine frequency also lessened, in addition to be timed to my life.  (Except the bastard migraines, the BIG ones…they have no schedule.)  And I would be a little clumsy the day before.

Zoom to now, Doodle is 18 months old.  Pregnancy was an awesome (not sarcastic) hormonal time (really, I’m not being sarcastic) and I haven’t been on the pill since.  About six month ago, I noticed that I was really clumsy the day before, not like stub your toe, but more like drop your keys 14 times on the way to the car and then proceed to back your car into a parked car.  And I would get upset by this.  Really upset.  And then I caught myself thinking that everyone in the world was a douche.  And while this is a common thought, I was applying it to Hubby and Doodle who, while they have douchey moments, are not douches.  And I am feeling like I’m going to cry.  Right now.  All the time.  I AM NOT A CRIER!  (Except to Steel Magnolias and ET, and if you don’t cry at those, you should ask yourself, “where is my soul?” because clearly you sold it to the devil or a mattress salesman.)  And I have moments where I think “Is this depression?  Post-partum depression or regular depression?  I can’t have depression.  Stop thinking the word depression, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?”  And the cramps are back, with a vengeance.  So are the migraines.  And the acne.  And I don’t sleep well and when I do, the crazy-ass dreams occur that are so vivid I think they’re real, but a half-dragon person can’t save you from death when you’re an inch away if you suck on the dragon’s horns.  (And it wasn’t a half-dragon, but some weirder beast, but it’s the closest approximation I’m going to get.)

So not only do I emotionally feel like crap, but I physically feel like crap, and thanks to the acne, feel that I look like crap.

I don’t remember any of this, except the cramps…I used to faint in high school all the time because the cramps were so bad…and the migraines…but I can fall back onto pain control…so I lack a foundation of dealing with it…and I shouldn’t be dealing with it for the first time in my 30’s when most girls get it figured out in high school and college.

And then 36-48 hours later, I feel back to my normal self.  Usually about 12 hours after I remember what the fuck is wrong with me and why I feel this way.  I realize it’s not depression (a hazard of being a toxicologist is that I talk to a lot of suicidal people and I’m not a psychiatrist or a psychologist) and I’m not crazy.

And then I think, I’ll do better next month because I’ll remember what this feeling is like.  But next month comes, like a bat out of hell around a blind corner, because where *did* all those days go?  And I’m left doing it all over again.

I need caffeine and a beer and a bath.  And it to be 12 hours from now.

– Sigh-y


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